I can't believe I'm posting this

Don't you remember those girls in highschool that would save their poo till they got home everyday? Fuck that- I've never been one of those afraid to poo in public bathrooms types, heck I've even pooed in a port-o-potty (hovering, of course- it was a great mini workout) But I believe that there are certain ettiquettes that one must follow during this ever so private, and sometimes sensual moment.

When I enter a bathroom knowing I have to poo, I wait patiently until the bathroom is pretty much cleared out, usually masking my stakeout with a redo of my ponytail or a no reason handwash (which coincidentally I never do AFTER pooing, (just kidding, of course))

When the time is right and I'm ready to do it, I pinch out a quick one and flush 2-5 times throughout the process. (waste of water-possibly, save of embarrassment-definitely!) I exit quickly as to avoid any late bathroom enterers, wiping the push tears away from my eyes and ACTION-all smiles out the door.

Well today, this lady went into the stall next to mine whilst I was waiting patiently for my movement to come. After a few moments passed with no peeing sounds, tampon opening sounds, an old pad being ripped off sounds, or puking noises, I started to freak out a little.

I knew this bitch was gonna poo. I started thinking that maybe she was waiting for me to leave so she could go. There were no sounds from her stall- she was holding everything! I wasn't done yet! But god knows I couldn't go anymore with her right there...hovering on my every sound, waiting for that flush followed by a few steps to the door, mirror check pause and then finally that sound of the bathroom door swinging closed when she would unleash her sweet release. It was just too much pressure, so I left, totally unpoosified (unsatisfied with poo just thrown in there)

Basically I left the bathroom thinking she was really rude. I was clearly already there and starting. You can't go to the stall right next to someone and totally intimidate them out of thier poo, by just rudely doing yours. This isn't NAM!

If it was me, after realizing the bathroom was already claimed, I would have pretended to do something in there, perhaps a fake line of coke, and then just left. There's a bathroom every 15 steps at this school! Who just sits next to someone pooing and poos? Someone perhaps from the trailor park by Venture? Clearly not of good raising, different, poorer, worse. (hommage to Will)

Well, my poo went dormant and I know the rest is gonna hit me when I'm in class. Oh well, none of these tweens care about a non-traditional hag like myself anyways. I guess I'll just have to fart a lot while sitting next to the dirty kid- wait I am the dirty kid. Shit! (seriously, no pun intended)

RAGE RAGE RAGE

I am going to KILL someone. I just got done writing the longest rage blog of my life and somehow FUCKING DELETED IT. I want to scream at the top of my lungs!!!

Long story short:

I FUCKING HATE ALL CUNTS THAT WORK THE DESK OF ANY DOCTOR'S OFFICE IN THE WORLD- Stop thinking you have power you dumb whores! Just because you have fucking magenta scrubs with sailboats on them doesn't mean you are a doctor, nurse or any other level of medical assistant! Oh yeah, your "tappity tapp" acrylic fake nails don't hide anything- like the fact that you are a repugnant, 80's, thinning, over-processed mullet wearing bull dyke!

I woke up today with my throat burning, and my ears and sinuses clogged. This was a great addition to what I had to deal with from the whores at the dermatologist. Can't get through to my regular doctor either- left 2 messages already. What is with doctor's offices!?! Why can't people with 10+ years of school figure out how to efficiently run an office so that people's calls are answered and appointments confirmed on time! Oh I know, because the 80's retard farm actually run the office. DIE!

I wanted to warn anyone who I have shared a "cigarette" (wink wink) with to be careful of sickness. Hopefully I'll get into the doctor today and can remedy this situation.

By "cigarette" (wink wink) I meant needles. Thanks for enduring my rage. This was actually quite therapeutic. Again- if only I had a camera to post this ladie's face. I should hopefully have one for the rescheduled appointment next month and glory will be MINE!!

Hilarious Obnoxious Bitch

This chick was going psycho outside of the store for a good 15 minutes. She was on the phone with her boyfriend, screeching like whores nails on a chalkboard covered in dead babies. Here's a few choice selections from their dialougue (thanks for the term Karen)

"What do you want me to tell you- that I saw Eric at a restaurant and we caught up for a few minutes!?!"

"How did you get to a point in your life where you have spies at restuarants?!? Who did you talk to- Craig!"

This was the best one- "I could go out with any guy on the street" (An innocent bystander walks past and the psycho turns to him and says) "Look, there's a guy right there, hey you wanna go out!?!"

There was more, so much more, but I could only remember a few snip-its.

She was the most unabashedly bitchy cunt ever! Let this be a lesson learned.. if you are a psycho bitch, fight on your cell phone in a more private setting. You never know who could be on the other side of that opened door on LaGrange Rd. publishing your exploits on her blog! Oh if only I had a camera- I could post her scowling puss all over the intraynet.

P.S. I did turn the music off in the store so I could hear her better ;-}
P.P.S. I can't believe I just made one of those smiley face people

Some assistance please

As I have already posted in my blog, I need to get a digital camera. I began researching but became overwhelmed because of my lack of digital knowledge. Does anyone out there in blogland know of a good camera thats about $200? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I just want to buy something decent that isn't too expensive.

Also, party at SES manor tonight. By party I mean there will be more than 2 of us. Perhaps some Catch Phrase- if I can smuggle it out of my house without Tino's knowledge. God knows what could happen if that game got out of the house. It might never come back!

HIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm really hyper today. I kind of want to do blog entries over and over all day long! I love blog. (said like goldmember's I love gold.)

I haven't had much sleep because I'm housesitting Jill's and I seem to keep waking up at 730 in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep. Also, the cats I'm babysitting know the milisecond that I wake up and pounce for attention. Miss Jenkin is really demanding when it comes to petting and attention but I don't really mind because she's so gosh darned adorable!

Okay, I took an hour break between writing and now I'm fading fast. Fuck- I have 9 1/2 hours left here. What am I gonna do today. There was a note that said I should sweep and mop the floors. I'm not fuckin Cinderella- screw you! (In actuality, I really do want to have some sort of chore today because otherwise I'll just circle blogs all day until my eyes start bleeding.) I brought my tools to give myself a mani/pedi. That could take up to two hours if I'm really slow and do enough coats of nailpolish to chang my shoe size.

If there's anyone out there that would like to spend some time at my place of business, Sarah-Maura-Melissa (she never reads this) get your asses over here! Oh and bring some low-carb snackies. I'll take coffee too. Who am I kidding, no ones coming. I'm all alone, I feel so cold.

I bought a laptop today

I hate how they mislead you into thinking it's gonna be $579 and then when all is said and done the total is $1033. (I did get a $200 rebate that I'll be using for my digital camera.) You will be obsessed with my blog when it is filled with pictures of me. I'm only including pictures of myself. I'm sorry but I'm the most important person in my life and nothing will come between me and myself.

Sooooo anyways, the ultimate Barb was in the store today. She kept saying- "How darn cute," in the voice that I use for mockery of Barbdom. I've never met a person who actually uses that dialect at full power. She also had about 4 kids with her. Her daughter was constantly referred to as "girlfriend," it ruled. SES was here for the whole time, pretending to look at statues. The ho dropped $197.00. She was just buying everything and putting it away for gifts. T.O.W. told me that her husband is a surgeon. No wonder.

I feel like this entry sucks, but T.O.W. is at Walgreens and could roll in at any second. I have to keep my identity a secret!

America's Next Top Stickney Idol!!!

Yes folks that's right. Too bad for those of you who didn't come to Karaoke last night because Maura was discovered!! After delivering a few oldies with impeccable pitch, tone and pizazz, she was approached by a JUDGE for the Stickney Idol. She could be the next Stickney Idol! Besides the fame, she would get a $25 Citgo giftcard and have her own float at the Stickney Parade, which she would be singing topless on.

Okay I made the last part up, although it always has been one of Maura's fantasies, but she really was invited to sing in the Stickney Idol contest. It's September 4th, be there or be square!

Sarah- you rocked that stage too! Alas, we have no hope of becoming America's Next Top Stickney Idol. If only charisma and stage presence went as far as actual singing ability.

HAPPY BIRT DAY!

(as Melissa would say) Sarah I really hope you have a blogtastic birthday. Wouldn't it be an awesome present if all of a sudden you had like thirty comments on your blog. Oh well, it will never happen so stop trying.

I have a new obsession to replace Scrabble. It's Catch Phrase. The greatest part about it is that you can play it anywhere! Last night Maura and Sarah couldn't get baked potato. They got baked and knew it was a food, but kept saying avacado for some reason. Pete said it has eyes and Maura goes, "It has eyes?" in a VERY barb-esque manner. Ooh, barbesque is very close to burlesque, Maura's other favorite pastime, besides blow jobs.

To any and all interested, there is another karaoke extravanganza tonight at Hedgehogs in Berwyn, I think. Hope to see you there Sarah.

YESSS

The exrta 2 esses are for effect because I am exstatic right now! I registered for classes in July which apparently could have been done in April. Whoopsey. (You see this is why a planner will and is changing my life. I've already marked what day I have registration for winter classes because if I fuck that up it will be another year in the Springs with ol' dad.)

Anyways, I'm so happy because on my random check for drops I actually found one and got in the class! I'm most excited because now I can start filling in my planner with my skyul schedule. Yipee day! I hope that one day I'm like Maura and Sarah with important little papers clipped throughout my planner. Right now I have a prescrition and these two pieces of paper that could have def been thrown out. I'll keep them for effect though. Is that sposed to be effect or affect. Who knows whom cares.

So yeah, for all that read my blog, Sarah's Bday is tomorrow and Ashly's is on Friday. Both of which bought me bday presents, so great- now I have to get them something. I'm thinking a caboodle for Ash and a new dildo for Sarah. Hers is really worn out. Ok Byeee

Barb ovaload!

So I'm sitting in the store right now listening to 2 barbs go CRAZY over these decorative baby dolls that are dressed in little outfits that make them look like different fruits and vegetables. "Barb, look at the strawberry one. Oh my god- a carrot, look at the carrot! Barb how cute would that carrot be on your door with that wreath!" Ahh, domestic divas.

These bitches came in yesterday and totally haggled me down on a price. There wasn't a price on any of them and usually I just randomly pick something in the store that is somewhat similar and charge that price. I found this fairy thing that looked about the same quality and it was $25. I offered $18. We settled on $10. Those whores drove a hard bargain. I actually told her yesterday that if she bought more than 1 I'd give them for $10 each. I don't care, I still get the same pay every hour, Mwamwamwa. Stupid employer. Oh great, now "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas is on. I had this song in my head yesterday at my other career and wasn't drunk enough to sing, so I whistled it. All night. Loudly- and unrecognizable to anyone but myself.

So I really want to learn how to do pictures! Will tried to help me over the phone yesterday, but I just don't get it. I'm really not that dumb in real life, I swear.

I want to write more, but I don't want my blog to get too wordy and boring. I hate words when they aren't next to pictures, don't you? I can usually do about 25 words per 1 picture before I start spacing. Bye Bye kittens

I'm a blogger. Maybe I can sit at the popular kids table.

That's really how I feel right now. I can't believe it was so easy to start one. I'm afraid of doing anything on the internet, like it's really hard or something. Maura tried to set me up on my space but my feeble mind couldn't grasp the technology. That's what you get when you live in a house with no cable/internet/computer/toaster. My dad seriously doesn't have a toaster. We toast bread in the oven! I've just cut toast out of my life completely.

I'm worried I'll fail out of school this year because I'll become obsessed with blogging everytime I have to do my scientific research on the internet. Getting a PHD is totally so much work!

I have so much more computer time now that I have a new career as a shopkeeper. There are approximately 2 customers every 75 minutes. 99% Barbs, considering we do have hand towels that say stuff like "instant diva- just add champagne" and gauwdy markezette jewelry. (everything is ridiculously expensive too) So basically I sit on the computer and methodically check every blog that is linked with Will's over and over again in hopes that someone posted a new comment in the last half hour.

So yeah, I can't wait to blog all the time! I don't know if I should be like Will and let my parents read this. Things could get pretty bad. I have what they call a trucker mouth, trucker life really. I don't want to shatter their world when their image of a smart, beautiful, basically perfect in every way daughter is disrupted because I wrote something incriminating on my blog. Oh well, Whatevs